


i don't think i can do this again

by azumarheart



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Canon Queer Character, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Gen, Here's the story and how Robin deals with Barbara's death, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Relationship, Robin and Barbara were together, Romance, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending, besides this, everything is canon basically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 18:10:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21103793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azumarheart/pseuds/azumarheart
Summary: Here’s something no one knows: Robin Buckley and Barbara Holland were dating at the time of Barbara’s death.Robin thinks about their story every day. Here’s how it goes.One bright September day, in their freshman year, Barbara tripped on her way to lunch.





	i don't think i can do this again

**Author's Note:**

> Note that the last scene is set after another fic I wrote called "it's nice to have a friend". Not required to read before, but I recommend!
> 
> When I got this concept in my head, I couldn't stop writing. I made myself sad lol. Robin has a special place in my heart.  
So this details their relationship, then Robin dealing with Barbara's death. Starts pre-season 1, ends post-season 3
> 
> Title is a song by Clairo
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!

Here’s something no one knows: Robin Buckley and Barbara Holland were dating at the time of Barbara’s death.  
  
Robin thinks about their story every day. Here’s how it goes.  
  
One bright September day, in their freshman year, Barbara tripped on her way to lunch.  
  
She had been nervous the entire day, as she had no friends, and wasn’t very popular in middle school. She tried to keep her head down as best as she could while walking through the halls. Barbara had her eyes on the textbooks in her arms, which is why she didn’t see the lone pencil bag dropped in the middle of the hallway.  
  
Barbara pitched forwards, and threw her hands out to catch herself, spilling her books to the ground. But before she could fall, someone was suddenly in front of her, catching her weight. Barbara blinked a few times, before getting her feet back under her, lessening the support the person below her was needing to exert.  
  
She flushed hard.  
  
“I-I’m so sorry! Oh my god! I didn’t see-I-I didn’t know there was something... wait are you okay?! Did I hurt you?” she stammered, hands flapping nervously. Looking up, she finally made eye contact with her savior.  
  
The girl in front of her was beautiful. That’s the only word Barbara could find to describe her. She was shorter than Barbara, which wasn’t saying much as she was probably the tallest girl in 9th grade. Her hair was a bit frizzy, but it was a pretty shade of light brown. She had pretty eyes and pretty lips and these pretty freckles and a pretty smile...  
  
“-ay? Hey. Are you okay?” the girl’s voice filtered in, as she stared in concern at Barbara’s silence. It knocked her out of her daze.  
  
“Oh! Oh, I’m sorry. I’m just. Flustered.”  
  
Barbara nervously pushed her glasses up. The girl gave a sly smile in response.  
  
“No worries. I trip all the time too. No judgement here. I’m Robin by the way,” she said, sticking her hand out.  
  
Barbara reached out and shook Robin’s hand as well, before letting go with a smile of her own.  
  
“Thanks. I’m Barbara. Um, well... I’ll see you around?”  
  
Robin smiled again, before heading off with a salute.  
  
“See ya later!” she said, leaving Barbara standing alone and still dazed.  
  
Robin was really cute.  
  
——  
  
Barbara knew she was gay. She had known since she was a kid. It was Robin who made her really realize it. It scared her. But she kept thinking of Robin’s freckles and her smile and her handshake. It became a normal feeling.  
  
——  
Before Barbara could really consider becoming friends with Robin, she made friends with Nancy Wheeler.  
  
Nancy was perfect. Perfect grades, perfect family, perfectly modest and stylish outfits, perfect attitude, and perfect girl. She was nice just because she was, and strong in her opinions, and pretty, and perfect.  
  
Barbara was totally confused why Nancy wanted to be her friend.  
  
Barbara was lanky due to a growth spurt, but hadn’t lost her baby fat still. Her cheeks were a bit too pudgy, her freckles too smeared, hair too bright, too curly, her anxiety too prominent, and her outfits weren’t trendy.  
  
It made no sense why Nancy Wheeler would talk to her.  
  
But Nancy did. She sat with Barbara at lunch, and laughed at her jokes, and complimented her hair. Nancy helped Barbara with hard homework and accepted Barbara’s help in math because Nancy secretly struggled in that class. She invited Barbara over for sleepovers and painted her nails and let Barbara share the bed with her. Nancy called her Barb, the first nickname she’d ever had. She spent so much time with Barbara.  
  
Nancy didn’t hang out with anyone except Barbara actually.  
  
Their friendship was easy. It came about so naturally. Nancy felt like the sister she’d never had. Nancy said that she felt the same way (she was betting that the baby her mother was pregnant with would be another boy.)  
  
Barbara confided her fears to Nancy one night in late October during a sleepover.  
  
“Nance? Why are you friends with me?” Barbara mumbled from her seat on the floor into the pillow she was hugging. Nancy froze, pausing in her motions where she was braiding Barbara’s hair, perched on the end of the bed.  
  
“What do you mean?” Nancy asked. She liked to gather information before making responses.  
  
“I just mean... you’re so perfect Nance. You’re pretty and smart and kind and strong and amazing. And I’m just Barbara.”  
  
Nancy was silent, which made Barbara nervous. She started to tug at her hair again, and finished off the braids without a word. Then she moved off the bed to sit knee to knee with Barbara.  
  
“Look at me. Hey, look at me. I’m friends with you because you’re amazing. You’re hilarious, and you’re a genius when it comes to reading other people. You’re beautiful, with your curly hair and freckles and dimples. I think you’re the coolest girl I’ve ever met.”  
  
Barbara stared at Nancy with tears in her eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat.  
  
“I’m your friend because I think you’re amazing. And I’m nowhere near perfect, Barb. You know that better than anyone. I’m neurotic to a fault, stubborn, I suck at math, and I’ve got the most unmanageable hair either of us has ever seen,” Nancy joked.  
  
Barbara laughed, thinking of Nancy’s bedhead. It was pretty bad.  
  
“It’s you and me Barb. Together against the world. You’re going to be my maid of honor one day, and I’ll be yours, and we’ll live on the same street. Our kids will be best friends and maybe fall in love, and we’ll grow old together,” Nancy rambled, excitement in her eyes. She smiled sweetly.  
  
“Best friends for life. Barb and Nance.”  
  
“I can’t wait,” Barbara replied.  
  
——  
  
And so freshman and sophomore year passed with Nancy and Barbara in their own little bubble. It wasn’t until junior year that everything changed. Due to one Steve Harrington.  
  
“Hey Nancy. You look real pretty today. Wanna catch a movie this weekend?” Steve asked, sliding against the lockers towards her. Barbara stared, unamused at his flirting.  
  
“I think Tammy Thompson would love if you took her to a movie Steve. Good luck!” Nancy replied, patting his shoulder before stepping away. Barbara followed, and they snickered at the look on his face.  
  
“Oh my god Nance that was hilarious,” Barbara giggled. She ignored the slightly fond look Nancy had on her face. Nancy was too smart to go for Harrington, right?  
  
“It’s true! She stares at him in Mrs. Click’s class all the time. It’s obnoxious as hell, she’s always hovering over his desk. The girl behind him, Robin, is always glaring daggers at the back of his head.”  
  
The name Robin shot Barbara back to that day in the hall. She’d forgotten Robin existed. Nancy and Barbara were a duo, and they didn’t socialize around much. Hawkins High was pretty big.  
  
She let the thought of Robin go as they walked to class.  
  
——-  
  
Barbara couldn’t stop thinking about Robin. She really couldn’t. All she could think about were those freckles and that smile and her hand.  
  
She wanted to talk to her.  
  
Nancy had begrudgingly (with way too fond eyes; Barbara was getting concerned) accepted to eat lunch with Steve, so Barbara decided to use her free time to seek Robin out.  
  
It took way too long to find her, seeing as she didn’t eat lunch in the cafeteria apparently. Barbara found her eating in the band room, the only other occupants sat across the room practicing.  
  
Barbara channeled her inner Nancy and mustered up her confidence. She stepped into the room, and sat down right next to Robin.  
  
“Oh, hey. Barbara right?” Robin asked, before sipping from her water bottle. She leaned over to put it on the ground, her legs outstretched and propped on another chair in front of her. Barbara gulped.  
  
“Yeah. Um. I just happened to walk past and figured I’d say hi. I haven’t really seen you since I, yaknow. Tripped.”  
  
“Happened to walk past the band room, on the other side of the school from the lunch room?” Robin teased with a cat-like smirk.  
  
Barbara felt her face flush, and she stammered. Robin snorted softly, and changed her expression to be more welcoming.  
  
“I’m kidding, no need to be nervous. It’s nice to see you again. And without Nancy Wheeler attached to your hip.”  
  
Barbara felt her hackles raise, and opened her mouth to defend her friendship with Nancy. Robin spoke up before she could speak.  
  
“Kidding. Again. Sorry, I can be kind of a sarcastic asshole sometimes,” Robin cut her off sheepishly, “As you can see, it’s the reason I have so many friends.”  
  
She gestured her hand in a sweeping motion at the empty chairs in front of her. Barbara couldn’t help but laugh. She felt herself relax a bit.  
  
Robin smiled that perfect smile again, and Barbara knew she was screwed. Still, she stayed for the rest of lunch.  
  
——  
  
Becoming friends with Robin was surprisingly easy. She had the bluntness of Nancy, and the heavy sarcasm Mike had been showing recently. Barbara found herself falling deeper and deeper each day.  
  
Meanwhile, Nancy got closer and closer with Steve. It made it easier to escape and hang with Robin, but Barbara still missed her friend.  
  
Barbara explained this all to Robin one afternoon. They’d headed over to a nearby diner after class, and were drinking milkshakes.  
  
“I’m happy she’s happy, even if it’s with a douchecanoe like Harrington. I just miss her is all,” Barbara stated, circling her straw around her glass. Robin hummed, and thought for a moment before speaking.  
  
“I’m sorry Babs.”  
  
That was also a thing. Robin had given her a nickname too, and it made Barbara’s chest warm every time she heard it. She’d given Robin one too: Robbie.  
  
“It’s gonna suck: change always does. Either you have to accept that she’s with him, and make the best out of it, or lose her and try to move on. There’s no right answer for that, you have to make that choice yourself,” Robin said wisely. Barbara considered for a moment, before sighing.  
  
“Nancy is too important for me to lose. She’s my best friend. I’ll suck it up for a while. Either she’ll dump Harrington after a while, or they’ll end up getting married. If they do end up long term, I’ll definitely whip his ass into shape. Nancy deserves better than a high school pretty boy,” Barbara grumbled.  
  
Robin snorted into her drink, and wiped her mouth with a napkin.  
  
“I’d pay to see you go off on Steve one day. God that’d be hilarious. I’d love to yell at him too,” Robin said, glancing out the window with far too much teenage angst. Barbara furrowed her brow and leaned forwards.  
  
“Why do you hate him?” she asked. From what she’d seen, Steve hadn’t interacted with Robin much.  
  
Robin blinked and seemed to realize what she had said, she cleared her throat, and her whole body went rigid.  
  
“Uh, nothing. No reason,” Robin stared with a tone of finality. It was unlike her.  
  
“Hey, you can talk to me, you know that right? No judgement, just like you said,” Barbara said softly.  
  
Robin seemed to consider, so Barbara went back to sipping her milkshake. Robin was a calculator, and she needed time to think before making big decisions. Barbara had seen it happen often.  
  
“I. It’s… I’ll tell you. But it can’t be here. It has to be private,” Robin whispered. Barbara nodded.  
  
They left the diner, and headed out to Barbara’s car. She had turned 16 at the end of August, and her parents let her use their second car during the week.  
  
Barbara silently headed to the quarry, which was likely to be empty on a Tuesday afternoon. The radio lowered the tension in the car, but Barbara could still Robin was high-strung about something.  
  
Barbara parked, and rolled down the windows to let the cool autumn breeze blow in. She listened as Robin took a deep breath.  
  
“I’m gay,” Robin blurted out.  
  
Barbara blinked a few times, before turning to look at Robin. She sat, facing forwards, hands clasped together in a white knuckled grip.  
  
“I hope you don’t hate me but I wouldn’t be mad if you did, I can just leave if-“  
  
“Me too.”  
  
Robin snapped her head to meet Barbara’s eyes.  
  
Barbara’s heart pounded in her chest. She didn’t expect to say it, but it just happened.  
  
“W-what? You’re gay too?” Robin asked, voice wobbly. Barbara nodded.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Yeah. Oh.”  
  
They sat in silence for a few moments, before Barbara couldn’t stand the tension anymore. Nervous giggles erupted from her chest, and Robin soon joined in. They ended up howling with laughter, tears streaming down their faces.  
  
“Holy shit. Who would’ve guessed? Well now I don’t feel so alone,” Robin grinned, wiping tears away from her face.  
  
Barbara felt her heart jump again.  
  
Shit.  
  
——  
  
They got closer after that. It was impossible not to. But then there was an invisible tension, an energy, which stood between them.  
  
They were more open with each other. They were better connected.  
  
And Barbara was in love with Robin.  
  
It was just that-  
  
Robin was so pretty. She was attractive in every sense of the word. And she was so hilarious. There wasn't a day that passed where Robin didn't make her laugh. She was sarcastic and an asshole. But Barbara loved it. Robin was smart. She was so smart and analytical and full of reasoning and critical thinking.  
  
Most of all, she was kind. She was sweet to the core and open about it with Barbara.  
  
——  
  
It was a Friday night and Nancy was out with Steve again. She’d apologized profusely, but Barbara just waved her off with a smile.  
  
Nancy didn’t know about Robin. It was weird how it’d worked, but Barbara liked having Robin all to herself. Call her possessive, yes, but she was afraid Nancy wouldn’t like her. She wouldn’t be able to handle that if it were true.  
  
Nancy just thought that Barbara was alone more often. And she felt awful about it, as she’d expressed it multiple times. But even though it was a bit true, she reassured Nancy constantly that she was okay.  
  
It had happened again that night, but Barbara shooed her out the door towards Steve’s car. She waited until the headlights were gone down the street before getting in her own car.  
  
Robin’s dad was out of town for a family event with her little brother, so she’d invited Barbara over for a movie sleepover.  
  
They spent hours watching good and awful movies, laughing and screaming, throwing popcorn at each other, and huddling close during the scary parts.  
  
Barbara couldn’t remember a time where she had felt that happy before.  
  
When they finally decided to go to bed, and had changed into pajamas, Robin led them to her room. They both climbed into her bed and stared at the ceiling once comfortable.  
  
“I’m really glad you came and had lunch with me that one day,” Robin blurted out of nowhere. Barbara turned her head, confused as to why Robin was bringing it up then.  
  
“I just... you’re so awesome Babs. I love spending time with you.”  
  
Robin smiled at the ceiling, then rolled over to face Barbara. Barbara felt her heart start pounding again.  
  
“Me too. I’m glad you caught me that day in the hall. I’m glad that I’ve gotten to know you better,” Barbara whispered back. They stared at each other, both with soft smiles, before Robin looked down to Barbara’s lips.  
  
Barbara felt like all the air in the room had been sucked out. She glanced down to Robin’s own mouth, where she was biting her bottom lip gently.  
  
Before she knew it, they were pulled together like gravity, and leaned in for a kiss. It was so perfect, Barbara felt her head spin.  
  
——  
  
So then, Robin and Barbara were secretly dating. Not simply because they were gay and Hawkins was a fairly conservative town, but also because they just wanted to keep it to themselves. Barbara could have told Nancy, but she wanted something special to herself for a bit. And Robin was very special.  
  
They continued their hang outs, just with more kissing and hand holding.  
  
Every day was full of happiness. Laughing and smiling, kissing and intimacy. Barbara had never been so happy. So in love.  
  
“What’s got you so chipper lately?” Steve asked one morning, leaned up against the lockers beside Nancy. Barbara was surprised that Steve had piped up about it before Nancy.  
  
“Nothing. Reading a new book series,” she replied halfheartedly. Steve gave her a suspicious look, but Nancy just smiled at her friend.  
  
“That’s great Barb! You’ll have to let me read it,” Nancy said, completely missing the lie. Barbara just nodded in agreement.  
  
“So anyways, I was thinking of throwing a party this weekend? A small gathering at my place, really,” Steve said.  
  
Barbara rolled her eyes.  
  
——  
  
Before Barbara went to pick up Nancy for Steve’s party, she went over to Robin’s house.  
  
“He’s just so dumb. It makes me so nervous that Nancy is so into him. I’m worried that he’ll pressure her. The whole party thing is basically a tactic to screw her. And Nance won’t go without me, so I’m just gonna be an awkward fifth wheel while everyone bangs inside,” Barbara rambled. Her head was laying on Robin’s stomach and Robin was running her fingers through her curls.

“I’m sorry Babs. I know it’ll suck, but at least Nancy will owe you one right?” Robin joked.

“It’s just for a few hours, then you can come sleep over here if you want? We can watch that new movie I picked up and we can make cookies and make out or something,” Robin said, grinning down at Barbara. Barbara smiled too and sighed.

“Alright. But just because I love you.”

They had said “I love you” as friends before, but this time it was a more emotionally charged statement. It went silent as Robin gazed down at her girlfriend.

“I love you too.”

Robin leaned down to kiss Barbara and they both smiled into it.

“I better head out now. See you soon?” Barbara sighed again, pulling herself up and off the bed.

Robin reached out to grab her hand and swung it slightly.

“See you soon.”

——

Barbara sat on the edge of the diving board, moving her feet gently through the pool water below her. She watched as the moonlight danced along the rippling surface, feeling alone and dejected.

The night had gone just as she’d expected. Nancy was upstairs about to have sex with Steve, while Barbara was left by herself. Plus she ended up with a cut on her hand.

She didn’t allow herself to wallow for too long. She thought about how, after this, she could go back to Robin’s place and spend the night with her. Twisting her hand around, she smiled gently at the thought of being back in Robin’s arms.

A drop of blood fell from her palm and into the pool. In a blink, a monster appeared behind her, and reached out with a claw to pull her backwards.

Barbara never even saw or felt the monster behind her. All she knew was that she had fallen backwards for some reason.

It happened instantaneously. She screamed for half a second, only from the shock of falling, before everything went black.

She woke up disoriented, coughing up a strange liquid. The world seemed dim and clammy, and she struggled to get up.

She seemed to be at the bottom of the pool. But it was empty and filled with dark vines. Before she could consider a way out, a monster screeched at her from the corner. It looked alien-like, and jolted towards her. She ran away screaming.

“Nancy! Nancy!” Barbara screamed, hyperventilating as the monster got closer.

She pulled herself towards the pool ladder, slipping on the sticky surfaces. She cried out Nancy’s name as she climbed, hindered by her bulky jacket.

Barbara reached the top, and tried to pull herself forwards. Her body felt weak, and scared, and she could barely see in front of her. She had dropped her glasses after waking up.

“NANCY!” Barbara screeched as the monster latched onto her legs. She starting sobbing as it pulled her backwards, and she gripped onto the handles of the pool ladder.

She knew she wasn’t going to escape. It was clear. Nancy wasn’t coming because Nancy wasn’t in this scary version of Steve’s backyard. Barbara was actually thankful that Nancy didn’t show up. She didn’t want Nancy to die too. There was no way out of this.

Her hands started to slip as the monster tugged harder. She lowered her head to sob one last time, before whispering her last words.

“I love you Robin.”

The monster tugged, and Barbara let go.

——

Robin got worried by the next day when Barbara had yet to show up or contact her. It was unlike Barbara to miss plans and not follow up on them. She tried to calm herself by thinking of best case scenarios.

Maybe Nancy had gotten too fucked up and Barbara was busy taking care of her. Maybe something had happened in her family, and she had gotten called home to deal with it. Maybe she was sick.

She didn’t really know what to do. They had kept their friendship on the major down-low, and neither of their parents even knew they were friends. They mainly hung out outside, or in empty places inside the school. If they spent times in the band room, no one else even glanced at them.

They just liked to keep things private. Even when they were just friends it had felt too special to share with others.

So Robin worried. She waited and waited until Monday came around, so she could find Barbara at lunch.

But Barbara wasn’t at lunch. At all. Robin was waiting to meet up with her in the band room when she heard gossiping from the flute section behind her.

“Didn’t you hear? They found the Byers kid dead in the quarry. But now, apparently Barbara Holland is missing. Since Friday. Nancy Wheeler went and filed a missing person’s report.”

“Damn. Do you think she ran away from home?”

“Hell no. She had no reasons to be running away. I bet she was kidnapped.”

“Or killed. Maybe she fell in the quarry too.”

Robin felt her heartrate triple in speed, and her breathing go heavy. She bolted from the main band room and into a private practice room connected to it. She slid down the wall, hyperventilating and hands trembling as she processed the information she had heard.

Barbara was missing. Not even Nancy knew where she was. She could be in danger. She could be dead.

Robin bowed her head and gripped her hair.

She could be dead.

What could Robin even do?

She couldn’t help. The police probably wanted a timeline of that night. But Robin wouldn’t be able to give them that information, even though she had spent time with Barbara that night. She couldn’t help but see it logically.

Nancy didn’t know that Barbara and Robin were dating. She didn’t even know they were friends. Robin was pretty sure Nancy didn’t even know she existed. So if Robin just came out of nowhere and claimed to be even friends with Barbara, she would be shut down. Nancy wouldn’t believe her. Because Barbara had told her everything right?

Nancy didn’t even know Barbara was gay.

Robin felt tears slipping down her cheeks.

She was helpless.

——

Barbara never came back. Robin fell into a depression.

She spent hours in bed, remembering all the moments they had shared. Thinking of the way Barbara’s eyes squinted when she smiled, how her lips felt when they kissed, how she used to hold Robin, and the way she rambled about things when she got too excited.

Robin cried and she slept and she stared at the ceiling in silence.

Her dad was worried about her. But she left her explanations to teenage angst, and said no more.

When Will Byers was found alive, Robin let herself hope. But nothing came of it.

——

A year later, during her senior year, Robin was just beginning to get over what had happened. Anniversaries of happy memories had passed, and the hardest anniversaries started. A few days into November, and Robin got her answers.

Some tapes were mailed anonymously to local news agencies about the death of Barbara Holland. Apparently Hawkins Lab had leaked chemicals into the town, and they ended up killing Barbara. It was a cover-up.

Robin cried when she heard the news. But it felt nice to have finality.

The whole school was invited to the funeral. Robin was one of a few people who actually showed up. Barbara’s parents thanked her for coming, and moved along. Robin stared as they lowered the coffin into the ground.

She could see Nancy watching her inquisitively from the other side of the grave. Robin paid it no mind. If Nancy questioned why she was there, she could just make something up about sharing a class with Barbara once.

She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to hide the pain in her eyes. But her yearlong depression had given way to a personality and aura of apathy, so she hid it well.

Robin softly whispered a goodbye to Barbara before leaving.

She would return a few nights later to finally wish her a proper goodbye.

——

When Robin got her job at Scoops Ahoy, she couldn’t consider herself thrilled.

She was taking a gap year after high school. Her dad couldn’t really afford to send her to college and she wanted to stay away from student loans. So she got a job in order to pass the summer by quicker and save up some money to hopefully leave Hawkins one day.

On the first day of training, she properly met Steve Harrington.

“Hey, I’m Steve,” he greeted, holding his hand out to her. His hair was fabulous as always and he gave her his signature lady-killer face.

She stared at him with her own signature deadpan expression and quickly shook his hand.

“Robin Buckley. Pleasure.”

The last word was hard to get out, but she wanted to make a semi-decent relationship with him if they were expected to be coworkers. Even though he was the guy who stole Tammy Thompson’s attention away and had distracted Nancy on the night that Barbara had died. She didn’t wanted to bring any of that past information into this new dynamic. Clean slate and all.

“So, you like ice-cream?” he asked, possibly in an attempt to stir up a flirty conversation. Steve tried to lean on the counter next to him, but his elbow slipped, sending him flailing and almost falling. Robin snorted out a laugh and couldn’t stop when she saw the flustered look on his face.

“Shut up!”

“Nah, I don’t think I will. Are you always this un-smooth? I would love the free entertainment while we work at this shithole,” she snarked, giving him a sly, sarcastic half-smile.

Steve looked at her, seeming to re-calibrate whatever impression he’d had of her in his mind.

“Something tells me this is going to be an interesting summer,” he grumbled, trying to fix his hair in the reflection of the metal counter.

Robin snorted again.

——

So Scoops as a job during summer sucked. Both in that Robin hated customer service and because it sucked out what little life she still had in her. She was bored as hell.

Well, until suddenly there were secret Russian transmissions, way too many kids, stakeouts, and giant elevators.

That’s when things got really interesting.

She spent a long time walking through the Russian bunker with Steve, Dustin, and Erica. After a while of bickering and small talk, the boys decided to explain the full situation to Robin and Erica.

So then she learned about Eleven, the Upside Down, Demogorgons, and what really actually happened to Will Byers.

Robin was pretty sure she went into shock at one point.

She’d find it all hard to believe except that the situation she was in was just as wild. Also, Steve and Dustin were way too detailed to be making it up.

Then they found a portal, and got kidnapped by Russians, and drugged. Next thing Robin knew, she was sitting in a bathroom with Steve, having puked said drugs out of her system.

And maybe they were still in her system, or maybe she was just tired of keeping secrets. But Robin came out to Steve, right there on the bathroom floor.

She braced herself for disgust. For rejection, for closing off, for distancing. But Steve surprised her. And he accepted her.

A bit of the weight she’d had on her shoulders for so long was lifted.

——

When Nancy Wheeler strolled into Starcourt, looked straight at Robin, and asked “I’m sorry; who are you?” in a slightly condescending tone, Robin felt her heartbeat stop for a solid few seconds. She was surprised she could even feel so startled after the events of the nights.

“I’m Robin, I work with Steve,” she blabbered, trying to avoid Nancy’s eyes. They made her think about Barbara too much.

Before she could really worry about it though, El collapsed.

——

Things were… as they were. The aftermath of the Battle of Starcourt had affected everyone. But things seemed to be settling at least.

Robin and Steve got closer. They had spent the first night after the battle together, and applied for a new job together. Things were looking up in that aspect.

Then Robin was invited along to the Byers house for dinner, which was apparently tradition after these events. A sort of check-up on everyone. And it went well. Robin socialized decently and got to know everyone better. Some better than others.

She had gotten the opportunity to talk to Will alone and he had come out to her. Their talk had settled something in her stomach, and she felt relaxed and happy after returning to the house with him.

But the night took a turn not long after.

“So then Robin spit in the dude’s face! He was scary as shit too. We’re lucky Dustin and Erica bust in not long after to save us,” Steve retold, gesturing wildly as everyone watched. Dustin rolled his eyes.

“Yeah but these idiots were totally drugged up. They were laughing at everything and messing around on our ride back on the elevator. Erica and I left them to watch a movie, but we came back and boom! They were gone! It took us over 5 minutes to find them. They were in the girl’s bathroom singing of all places,” Dustin ranted.

Steve looked over to Robin and they burst out laughing. They harmonized their Kermit voices together, much to the confusion of the rest of the group. It took a bit for them to calm back down, but when they did, Nancy piped up.

“So you know everything now then?” Nancy directed to Robin.

“I think so, unless Steve left anything out,” Robin shrugged.

Steve thought about it for a moment.

“I kind of shortened some stuff honestly. Especially near the beginning because I wasn’t involved in anything at first. I guess I didn’t fully explain the Mind Flayer,” he trailed off, trying to remember what he had talked about.

“Oh wait. I never explained what happened to Barbara,” Steve said grimly.

Nancy’s expression grew pained, but with a look of resigned acceptance.

Robin’s face went white. She felt her stomach drop.

“Barbara?” she managed to get out.

“Yeah, Barbara Holland. She was Nancy’s best friend.”

Steve looked at Nancy to confirm she was alright with him explaining the details before continuing.

“The night Jonathan saw the Demogorgon and got the picture of it was the night Barbara died. The picture was actually of her, seconds before the Demogorgon got her. She died in the Upside Down. Hopper confirmed it; he found her body right before they found Will in there.”

Robin couldn’t even think about faking a reaction. Her body moved into action immediately. She bolted off the couch and ran outside to a bush. She fell on her hands and knees, before throwing up.

She heard Steve’s footsteps approach quickly.

“Shit, Rob, you okay? Was that too graphic? Or did dinner just not sit right with you?"

It took him a second before realizing the sounds she was making were cries. She was sobbing, heaving breaths out as she spit out whatever was left in her mouth.

“Robin. What’s wrong?” asked Steve directly. He wrapped his arm around her shoulders, over her collapsed form.

“I-I-I can’t. I can’t. Barbara,” she wailed softly.

Steve stared at her, confused and concerned, and wrapped her in a hug. He shushed her and rocked her until she calmed down.

“Wanna explain?” he asked finally.

“I. I need to explain. I have to. But. I should do it in front of Nancy too,” Robin whispered, before pulling herself upright. She wiped at her face, and fixed her hair as best as she could. Standing up, she brushed off her knees, and let out a shaky breath. Steve walked her back inside with a hand guiding against her lower back.

Everyone stared at her, stopping whatever quiet conversation they had picked up after her abrupt leaving. She walked to stand in the middle of the living room, all the kids, along with Joyce, Nancy, and Jonathan watching her. Robin cleared her throat. Steve walked back to her with a glass of water, which she gulped down. She set it down on a side table, before taking another shaky breath.

“Sorry. I, um. I don’t know how to tell this story. But it’s all the truth. No one knows this but me. No one. And… and I hope you all can believe me. And maybe not hate me. I’m just…I’m sorry.”

Everyone looked concerned, but still open to listening. Robin took a deep breath before beginning.

“I met Barbara the beginning of freshman year. She tripped and I caught her. We didn’t talk again until the start of junior year.”

“She came into the band room because Steve and Nancy were going to eat together. And she came looking for me. Apparently, she forgot I existed until Nancy brought up that I was glaring at Steve during Mrs. Click’s class.”

Steve snorted, and Robin sent him a fond smile. It gave her more strength in her tone as she continued.

“So Barbara came looking for me, and we talked. Then we started to hang out all the time, while Nancy and Steve got closer.”

Nancy looked confused and also like she was trying to analyze. Robin didn’t doubt she was remembering those moments she left Barbara alone and where she thought Barbara had gone.

“We didn’t really tell anyone we were friends. Which sounds weird, but… it was a special thing between us. Unspoken, but we both knew it.”

Robin gathered her courage, and steeled herself. Time to drop the bomb.

“We came out to each other as gay one day. And it wasn’t long after that when we had our first kiss.”

The room was silent. Everyone’s eyes widened, some more than others. Nancy looked bewildered. Will looked hopeful. Steve looked devastated, obviously predicting where the story was headed.

“That was the special part. We loved one another. We had known since the start to keep it a secret. And so we kept it a secret. Our parents didn’t know we were even friends, let alone dating. Not even our closest friends,” Robin trailed off quietly. She looked at Nancy. Heartbreak was written all over her face.

“And. She came over one afternoon, nervous about going over to Steve’s house with Nancy. She was afraid she’d end up being the fifth wheel. But I told her she could come over after, and she cheered up. Then she told me she loved me,” Robin’s voice cracked, and tears started to spill over as she replayed their last moments together in her head.

“I said it back. We said ‘see you soon’. And I never saw her again,” she choked out.

“I got worried. She never showed up. I didn’t know she was missing until Monday at school. But what could I have done? I figured if I tried to help with the investigation, they’d think I was joking if I said she was at my place right before she went missing. No one had known I even existed in her life. So I had to stay quiet. I fell into a deep depression when she never came back.”

“When I heard that she was confirmed dead, I lost it. But obviously, that story isn’t true. But I went to her funeral. Even though I was afraid someone would call me out as a fraud for showing up to the funeral of a girl I supposedly didn’t know.”

“I was just managing to move on. But now, knowing the whole story… that she died like that…”

Robin broke down, ugly crying. Steve shot off the couch and hugged her tight. She latched on.

It was a quiet few minutes while everyone processed and Robin grieved. Steve stepped back when Robin loosened her grip on him, and Robin looked straight to Nancy. The girl was crying too, tucked into Jonathan’s side.

“I know this might be hard to believe. But I still have her teddy bear that she gave me from her 11th birthday, and notes she left me, and I could probably answer a million questions about her. So I just hope… I hope you can believe me. And that you won’t be mad that I hid this for so long.”

Nancy looked up at Robin, confusion in her face.

“I know you’re not lying Robin. I trust you. I always knew Barbara was gay, even though she never told me. And it makes so much more sense about where she went to spend her time when I was with Steve. I’m just… I’m so sorry you had to deal with this on your own. That you felt like you couldn’t come to me about it,” Nancy said, kindness in her tone. Robin sniffled, and wiped at the tears that continued to fall.

Nancy stood up, and pulled Robin into a hug. Robin was shell-shocked for a second, before relaxing into the embrace.

“This brings me some peace. Knowing that she had someone who loved her that whole time. Knowing she wasn’t alone when I was leaving her. Knowing that she got to experience a happy relationship,” Nancy whispered, holding Robin a bit closer.

“She really loved you Nancy. She talked all the time about how good of a friend and person you were. Barbara used to talk about you being her maid of honor at our wedding one day. She wanted to live in a big mansion with you. She hated the thought of you ever being alone,” Robin laughed sadly.

Nancy pulled back a bit, and looked Robin in the eyes. 

“Then she’d be happy to know I won’t ever be alone. Not with everyone here. And neither will you Robin. You’re one of us now,” Nancy said with a smile.

“Well that sounds pretty nice to me.”

\----

Robin and Barbara’s story was a tragic one. One that had a death too young, and grief too strong.

But it ended happy. It ended with Robin finding a new family, and honoring Barbara’s memory. It ended with tears and laughter and bittersweet memories and pain.

And Robin wouldn’t change it for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> I kept spelling Barbara as Barabara omg it drove me nuts
> 
> I just wrote 4000 words straight to finish this and its 3:30 AM. This fic was a labor of LOVE. My heart hurts for my own headcanon lol
> 
> I paused another long ass story I'm writing to write this. I WILL finish the other one soon hopefully lol


End file.
